March 19, 2015

March 18, 2015

  • This place will kill me one day...

    Whoa, I found this buried in my Draft folder....

    ORIGINALLY WRITTEN OCTOBER 14, 2006

    Every morning, I am left with an overwhelming sense of dread as I drive to work.  It's not so much the commute anymore but the sheer fact that I am surrounded by a group of toxic people.  I understand with the Nontract and all that FAA shit is rapidly decreasing their morale, but I don't appreciate the jabs at me (and other trainees I'm sure) asking when I'm quitting and why don't I look for employment elsewhere.  Or snide comments like, "I would have left already if I were you..."

     It won't take much to convince me to leave, believe me.  No amount of money can convince me to do something that, so far, I'm not enjoying at all.  I don't mind posting strips:  really I don't.  What I don't like is the constant rumors, gossip and overall negativity throughout the area.  What kills me is that some supervisors join in on the banter.  Please have some decorum, you know??
    Sure, I'm confident enough to ignore their comments and sidestep the rumors being flung about when they have nothing else to discuss about their mundane lives.  And so far, they don't have any "dirt" on me, but I'm sure when I'm not there or when my back is turned they will say SOMETHING about me.  They already comment on how much I smile and how nice I am to everyone.  They are taking BETS to see how long it will take before I am "broken".  Trust me, behind this smile, I am suppressing a lot of feelings about these toxic people that I'm afraid it will spill... like today....
    A certain FPL is constantly being chided in my area.  She doesn't even WORK in my area but yet they do nothing but joke about her.  She's the butt of everyone's jokes and I've been hearing it for a few days now.  So today, I asked an FPL who's close with my sister and up until today, I thought was the nicest guy ever (and funny!)
    So when I innocently asked him why people are always making fun of this person, he gave me a really gruff response to which I made another response in her defense but in a very light tone.  He finally blew me off saying, "I can't talk to you right now, I am very busy."  Meanwhile, on any other day when he's on H-34, he jabbers with me, asking me questions about my commute or saying something funny.  It seems I'm not allowed to speak about this because now he won't look me in the face and answers my questions with one-word responses.  Well guess who's stuck doing A-side for me right now as I type this?!  HA!
    I don't know if I want to be surrounded by these negative people for another X amount of years.  I rifle though my mental contact list to see who I can send my resume to.  I don't know how much longer I can stay here without having a mental breakdown and just tell everyone to shut the f*ck up!  For me to excel at something, I need to like what I'm doing (looking forward to radar) and get along with the people I work with.  It is VERY hard to work with people that show NO respect to authority and least amount to YOU.
    I imagine if I were to leave this job in mid-training, an unimaginable amount of gossip will swirl about just to fill their day with mild amusement.  Honestly, I really don't care what people say about me or what they think.  And that FPL whom I used to think could do no wrong can shove his opinions up his @ss but I have a feeling not only will he hold it against me because I "talked back" to him, but if come training time, he will make my life miserable.
    I think it's sad that our future success will be determined on how much our instructors/supervisor likes us in order to check us out.  Meanwhile, they don't think ahead and realize that we are their replacement.  No leave in their possible future if they insist on being vindictive.  All they whine about is how they are not going to make $160,000 or earn credit hours or send their children to private school.
    In the meantime, I have to grin and bear it.  There's just so much I can brush off and not take personally or to heart.  I'm very into "togetherness" (as you know) and being able to work together.  If this were a corporate job, 75% of the people here would have been FIRED for their behavior and work ethics (or lack thereof.)
    I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this.  Not because I lack the skill (at least I wouldn't know RIGHT NOW), but I don't want to become like them.  I don't want to be a toxic individual where I live off of gossip and rumors and how much leave I can get and how many hours I can take off the end and whine about URET, etc.
    I apologize for spamming but I really needed to get this out just in case one day you hear that I have found employment elsewhere.  That you will know its not because I couldn't hack it or do the job.  But because I did not want my spirit to be destroyed by people who think it's fun to do so.
    Have a great day.  I have to go relieve that jerk before he starts to gossip that I take LONG breaks.

  • An update...

    A lot has happened since the last time I posted:  I filed an official complaint to the EEOC and it was denied by them because they claimed it wasn't severe or frequent enough to warrant a valid claim.  (???)  So I hired a lawyer who's handled many FAA cases before and he wrote a kick-@ss document appealing their rejection.  So that's currently on the back burner.  A waiting game.

    As for the internal investigation, the harasser was interviewed and admitted to writing those vile thing about me.  In fact, he said that if he had known that I knew about what he wrote, he would have approached me sooner and apologized.  (Sorry, but that's not good enough.  He wrote it on a public forum with other mutual controllers!)
    Anyway,  the air traffic manager claims the harasser has been disciplined but according to my sources, he's never missed a day of work so far.  So I was told since he was disciplined then this case is settled.  Never mind that I also filed a Hostile Work Environment claim with them.  They just swept that under the rug and said the managers are aware of my concerns and to keep a close eye on things when I return to work.
    So I was sent upstairs to the training office to review my maps and routes.  Well, when I needed my headset and begrudgingly returned to the area to retrieve my headset, I discovered that it was missing.  (At least since February.)  So I reported that and FINALLY the chief admitted that it's probably not a good idea for me to return.  (Ya think???)
    Rumors have been swirling that I filed a charge against ALL of them (which I'm not even sure if that's possible).  I told only a few who've asked that they were incorrect and that I filed it against the harasser as well as the chief.  That explains why I've been getting the cold shoulder from a few people who used to say hi to me.  That's retaliation if you ask me!
    Today I have been officially transferred to a different department internally.  Training starts Monday and I am so relieved I do not have to return to that hostile work environment.  Some have already criticized my choice to go there.  But I think of it as my ticket out.  I know I definitely need this change for my mental health.
    This has been a long stressful process and I don't wish it on anybody.

November 20, 2014

  • Stress on a shoestring...

    October 2014
    I was recently assigned to a desk job (as per my request) during an impending investigation of a sexual harassment charge I filed against a fellow controller.  He wrote some appalling lies about me and another controller in a public forum of my peers on some stupid online game where the clan consisted of fellow controllers.  I reported it with printed proof to the chief of my building, who, in so many words, gave me the impression that "boys will be boys" and told me to "battle through it."  He did however, report it to the proper channels but acted like he had little faith that anything would come of it and proceeded to force me to go back to work on the control room floor NEXT TO the "alleged guy" (those were the chief's words, not mine).
    I emphasized to him that it was a Hostile Work Environment and then the chief retaliated by saying if I didn't "feel fit" to work, then I would have to take annual or sick leave (of which I had neither.)  I filed an EEO complaint against the chief of my building for sexual discrimination because last year, a male supervisor was accused of sexually harassing a male trainee in my area and that supervisor received approximately three months of PAID ADMINISTRATIVE LEAVE.  Meanwhile, I'm the victim here and I was being forced to take Leave Without Pay and the jerk who wrote those things is working as usual fat, dumb and happy.
    To date, the internal investigation is over and I am expecting to hear the results of their findings by December 1st but I work for the government and no one seems to be in a hurry to get anything accomplished.  My EEO is a separate claim that I filed outside the building and that is also dragging its feet as well.  They will have suggestions on how to resolve this but I am hoping the EEO to come through with better results.
    During this initial few weeks of my battle with the chief and trying to get him to do the right thing, I wrote to the senators of New York and the upper management of the FAA.  So far, Senator Gillibrand's office is the only one that is actually reviewing my case and requesting an update from the EEO.  She sent me an official letter telling me that and I'm really hoping that is the nudge the FAA needs to grant me my request.
    I am requesting a permanent desk job anywhere in the agency.  Sure, that means I cant retire until I'm 62 (as opposed to 56) but I don't mind working.  I cannot see myself returning to that environment where NO ONE is accountable for their actions and such behavior is accepted by management and fellow controllers.  No one does anything to correct it and I honestly do not feel I will be protected from reprisal if I should return.  Not everyone knows the entire story so I've heard through the grapevine that rumors are swirling about me "dodging traffic" and what I did to actually certify.  Some controllers are actually wondering why I can't "take a joke!"  I can't actually stop those rumors and hearsay and it does hurt when I hear them because I worked my butt off to get certified.  But I work in a high school locker essentially and no one does anything to stand up to the selected loudmouthed bullies that have taken over the operation.  It's really horrible.  There are some controllers afraid to stand up for themselves because of retaliation.  A friend of mine who was a trainee at the same time I was training ceased her own training because she was just so disgusted with the treatment of humans in our building.  She never gave a reason why she left but she's so much happier now working in a different facility in XXX.  It's really sad that this is the culture I work in.  I heard it's only happening here in New York and the Tracon as well.
    Whew, I really needed to get that out.  I'm probably going to seek counseling that's provided by the agency.  I need to work this out in my mind because I cannot explain how helpless I felt when the chief made me feel like I did something wrong for reporting it.  I didn't sleep, I barely ate and I would cry every single time I talked about it.  Those selected few that talk about me at work don't know how this feels and also don't know how to empathize.  They can't even put themselves in my shoes or imagine is this happened to their daughters, wives or girlfriends.
    So that's what's going on right now.  My husband has been so supportive of me and my decisions.  He's so angry this happened and wants to inflict physical harm on the person who started it all.  He's assured me that he will support whatever decision I make even if that includes legal action.  If they don't meet my demands, I will have to go that route.  While I am currently filing an EEO, I'm not allowed to contact a lawyer.  It's one or the other, you can't do both.  I don't understand the legalities but my friend who's a federal lawyer also said this to me.
    It felt good to get it out.  Some times I doubt myself if I am doing the right thing and I want to be Chinese and just say Oh forget it and drop the whole thing.  But then when I retell it, I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing and I should push forward and keep going.  My actions have inspired another female supervisor to stand up for herself and she filed against another male supervisor who was harassing her constantly.  Good.  I hope there will be some publicity on this because things HAVE to change....  Sadly, to my fellow controllers, they only see me as a slacker, traffic dogdger, lazy person and a trouble maker.  They can kiss my @ss.
    December 2014
    Update:  The informal process of the EEO has been unresolved because basically management refused my suggestion of resolution.  So now I have the right to proceed with a formal complaint.  I've filled out the paperwork and sent it in and also contacted a lawyer for advice.  Unfortunately, due to the "lack of severity" or frequency of the harassment, I don't really have a case.  And ultimately, management granted my persistent request for a temporary staff support position so a judge can look at it and say I received what I requested.  In other words, I don't have a case that holds water.  My lawyer did say that if I were to return and should be harassed again, then I will definitely have a case.
    So in other words, I have to go back to that Hostile Work Environment and be subjected to those childish idiots their stupid games:  messing with my headset, hiding my strip or just ignoring me (which has already started from a few of that jerk's supporters.)  Bumping into a few of the not-so-involved, they swear it's not as bad as I think.  It's also the same few people who don't think it's a big deal because they all know what an idiot the harasser is and how he filters nothing when he speaks.  How can I convey to my fellow coworkers that THAT does NOT make it ok!?  I am standing up for myself and yet I am made to feel like I did something wrong.  There is something seriously twisted about this whole thing.

March 16, 2012

  • Does anyone even read this anymore?

    So I am finally fully certified at work.  I got it last year June 29th, 2011.  Had a big drunken fest and everyone came to celebrate.  YAY!  It is such a relief to be done with training but that doesn't mean I don't scare myself a little every once in a while.

    Oh right, had a baby too.  But any of my subscribers would already know this.  She's THREE.  Yeah, not really a baby....  Love her silly and can't believe how fast she's growing.

    Psyched about out upcoming family trip to Phoenix.  Oldest nephew is graduating High School!  WOW!  I'm looking forward to the 10 days we'll be in the sun and fun.  Can't wait to splash in the pool.  Just hope Char will warm up to the idea of swimming this time.  (She has nightmares of being left out in the middle of the pool by herself....)

    Have I lost my writing skills?  This is a subpar (dull) entry.  Gosh, I hope it isn't emailed to my subscribers.  How embarrassing....

    Will collect my thoughts and write about something more exciting.....

     

    Toodles!

October 23, 2008

  • I'm still here....

    Wow, I haven't checked this thing in 10 months!!!

    A lot has happened since....I finally got my first two sectors so I can work alone without someone breathing down my neck.  For the time being, I'm "seasoning" until they feel I'm ready to start training on the high sectors.  Just 4 more to go!  2 out of the 8 remaining people in my class got fully certified recently.  I have a feeling I'll be the last one..

    Anyhoo, I'm exhausted and stressed out... time to hit the sack... just wanted to make my presence known again.  I really should write more...but it'll be the Same Ol' Sh*t.....

    Blah.... I wants a cookie....

     

January 8, 2008

  • Training sucks...

    It's been a while since I posted anything so, yes, I am still alive..... Firgured I'd catch up on some of my few friends who still post on this thing.  So far, I am utterly confused why my friend is "giving birth to blood clots" and how many pairs of sneakers does one really need?   

    I feel like I've become a hermit.  Some friends chalk it up to marriage but I don't think so.  It's the G*d forsaken job that's literally sucked my soul into the depths of hell....  My schedule is total crap, I probably won't be able to see my hubby much anymore... and I absolutely HATE quickturns!  Whoever invented that should die.  Seriously.  Painfully....

    You'd think after 4 or 5 months of training, I'd improve some.... well, I sure don't feel any improvement happening.  Not only that, some trainers live to make you feel like a complete idiot.  And they make sure they elevate their voice levels when they say something to you.  As if feeling dumb ON MY OWN isn't enough, they have to broadcast it to the rest of my area so they KNOW how completely stupid I am. 

    This evening, I had a Syracuse push.  (Q: Why are there so many people going to Syracuse anyway????)  The freaking area that's feeding me these planes have them all coming at me, not in trail mind you, but at all different directions and speeds.  Right away, my trainer with his "infinite wisdom" and TOTAL sarcasm snorts:  "Let's see how you mess this one up!"  Thanks, Tom!!!

    I get through it; putting speeds on them and separating them by altitude.  Well it doesn't help that the relieving controller who's also plugged in with me is a complete DICKHEAD and can't keep his f*cking comments to himself.  He brings it upon himself to ask me little snide questions and comments while I'm trying to clean up this bloody mess.  (Don't worry, no one died.)  He is the area b*tch... not that I'm stereotyping but seriously, he's WORSE than a woman!  

    I'm being mean because I'm pissed.  I had to muster ALL my energy not to burst into tears right there and then from anger, frustration and from biting my tongue!  After briefing that asshole, I yanked my headset out, grabbed my bag and muttered to my trainer that I'll be back in an hour.  TOUGH!  I think I surprised my trainer a little because he usually sees me as a meek, nervous little mouse. 

    Rant:  I really HATE the atmostphere in this facility and how there is absolutely NO HR or any kind of professionalism.  Everyone says what's on their mind and yells and screams or even curses if they want to.  No one says anything about it.  You'd think a government agency would be scheduled, have a procedure or some kind of structure???  NOPE.  Some people should NOT be trainers.  All they do is make you feel really dumb and tell you what to do.  Not WHY you have to do something but just DO it.  This is such a freaking long process.  I'm still only at my FIRST sector!!!  I have another 5 left.  It feels so hopeless sometimes.....Goddamn.... freaking training sucks.....

September 18, 2007

  • Training sucks

    I am so stressed out. 

    They moved me to a low sector because I majorly f'd up the high one.  They finally realized that trainees should start on a slow sector... preferably the one they trained on in the radar lab.  No duh!!!!  Everytime a controller found out where I was starting, they TSK and give me tons of negative feedback.  Like THANKS.

    So I proved the system doesn't work by having a "deal".  I was pretty broken up about it for a few weeks but now I'm ready to jump back in.  Although I'm so majorly distracted with the whole move to Bayside and all.  Ugh.  So much CRAP in my apartment.  I don't know where to start.

    Hopefully the transition will be painless.  Poor V's commute just got worse but I'm hoping he'll adjust as I did when I learned I had to drive an hour each way to work. 

    Another 3 years....

June 1, 2007

  • Do you want fries with that?

    This week started with a giant THUD when I ran traffic during an R-75 problem; like I was deliberately trying to put planes together.   Each time it was my turn, I chanted under my breath to "get it together, think clearly, don't get flustered, You can DO this!" (RAH RAH RAH) - but Nope.  I ran the problem down into the ground and I got a lot of loud angry sighing from the instructors.  At one point, Instructor #2 angrily pulled out his headset and said, "I've had enough of this." and huffs off. 

    I know we're not supposed to take things they say to heart - the insults I mean.  And it's all a "game" and they want to see how much we can take, blah blah blah.  But what if I simply cannot do it?  What if no matter how much training I have, I just can't devise an intelligent, time saving plan and execute it?  So far (like today) I have only proven that I have terrible plans and NO common sense.  It was the first time I controlled (fake) traffic with tears welled up in my eyes.  It took a lot of energy out of me to not pull out my headset right there and walk away.  They probably would have fired me on the spot.

    I have to stop all this pansy-ass crying during training.  I hear from trainees ahead of me that it only gets worse; having to deal with 60 other personalities on the Area floor.  Luckily Instructor #1 resembles a human when he's not training us and we had a LONG talk.  I told him what was brewing in my head and he actually encouraged me to stay on.  (Not before promising to tell me the truth to my face if I really CAN'T do the job....)  He actually told me he knows I can be trained and do this job.  But the question is, Do I want it?

    I'll see how my progress goes by the end of next week.  Our next evaluation is two Tuesdays from now.  It'll make or break my decision.  (Or it can be decided for me)  If I fail, I get one more chance to take the evaluation.  Two failures = no job

    Man, I need a vacation.

April 15, 2007

  • The weather is awful outside.  I really hope it rains enough for me NOT to have to drive to work tomorrow.  I really really dread radar.  I'm starting to think maybe this job isn't for me.
    I'm an asshole and cried again on Friday.  I now have the reputation of the girl who CRIES.  I'm so pissed. 
    I basically got SO mad at myself from Instructor #1's constant badgering and shouting that I gave him a piece of my mind.  (Not in a mean way) but I said I've been conditioned to be afraid to speak up because no matter what we (trainees) say, its always wrong even when its right!  And they tell us ONE thing and then when we do it, they yell at us.  It's annoying!  They have old age memory because seriously, they tell us one thing today and then tomorrow if we do it, they holler, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?????
     
    Anyway, I don't care anymore.  I'll let them yell and holler.  Instructor #2 already said I will have a problem if I continue to get "nervous" and he implied that I won't make it compared to the other two boys.  I feel like they are expecting me to fail.  I just feel like I'll never get it and I can never do anything right. 
     
    I'm hoping it will rain SO hard I can't make it to work tomorrow.  I can't tell you how much I hate it.  So far, I don't feel like I've learned anything except how high to jump when Instructor #1 bangs the back of my chair or shouts into my good ear.  I'm rambling but I'm also seriously considering what I need to do to improve.  I mean, they BOTH said to me that Air Traffic isn't for everyone.  I'm telling you, they're trying to tell me something.  Maybe I'm paranoid. Who knows.
     
    I just feel like my eyes are not quick enough and my brain is slow to follow too.  I don't know when this supposed "light" everyone keeps mentioning will go on for me or if it ever will!  I don't have a job lined up so I can't really think about quitting but I'm going thru such an emotional rollercoaster I don't know what to do with myself. 
     
    I'm dreading work already and it's only 6:30pm on Sunday.  This cannot be a normal feeling.  I wonder if the other guys feel this way.  Somehow I think its only me.  This really sucks.  Is it worth it??