This week started with a giant THUD when I ran traffic during an R-75 problem; like I was deliberately trying to put planes together.   Each time it was my turn, I chanted under my breath to "get it together, think clearly, don't get flustered, You can DO this!" (RAH RAH RAH) - but Nope.  I ran the problem down into the ground and I got a lot of loud angry sighing from the instructors.  At one point, Instructor #2 angrily pulled out his headset and said, "I've had enough of this." and huffs off. 

I know we're not supposed to take things they say to heart - the insults I mean.  And it's all a "game" and they want to see how much we can take, blah blah blah.  But what if I simply cannot do it?  What if no matter how much training I have, I just can't devise an intelligent, time saving plan and execute it?  So far (like today) I have only proven that I have terrible plans and NO common sense.  It was the first time I controlled (fake) traffic with tears welled up in my eyes.  It took a lot of energy out of me to not pull out my headset right there and walk away.  They probably would have fired me on the spot.

I have to stop all this pansy-ass crying during training.  I hear from trainees ahead of me that it only gets worse; having to deal with 60 other personalities on the Area floor.  Luckily Instructor #1 resembles a human when he's not training us and we had a LONG talk.  I told him what was brewing in my head and he actually encouraged me to stay on.  (Not before promising to tell me the truth to my face if I really CAN'T do the job....)  He actually told me he knows I can be trained and do this job.  But the question is, Do I want it?

I'll see how my progress goes by the end of next week.  Our next evaluation is two Tuesdays from now.  It'll make or break my decision.  (Or it can be decided for me)  If I fail, I get one more chance to take the evaluation.  Two failures = no job

Man, I need a vacation.