The weather is awful outside. I really hope it rains enough for me NOT to have to drive to work tomorrow. I really really dread radar. I'm starting to think maybe this job isn't for me.
I'm an asshole and cried again on Friday. I now have the reputation of the girl who CRIES. I'm so pissed.
I basically got SO mad at myself from Instructor #1's constant badgering and shouting that I gave him a piece of my mind. (Not in a mean way) but I said I've been conditioned to be afraid to speak up because no matter what we (trainees) say, its always wrong even when its right! And they tell us ONE thing and then when we do it, they yell at us. It's annoying! They have old age memory because seriously, they tell us one thing today and then tomorrow if we do it, they holler, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?????
Anyway, I don't care anymore. I'll let them yell and holler. Instructor #2 already said I will have a problem if I continue to get "nervous" and he implied that I won't make it compared to the other two boys. I feel like they are expecting me to fail. I just feel like I'll never get it and I can never do anything right.
I'm hoping it will rain SO hard I can't make it to work tomorrow. I can't tell you how much I hate it. So far, I don't feel like I've learned anything except how high to jump when Instructor #1 bangs the back of my chair or shouts into my good ear. I'm rambling but I'm also seriously considering what I need to do to improve. I mean, they BOTH said to me that Air Traffic isn't for everyone. I'm telling you, they're trying to tell me something. Maybe I'm paranoid. Who knows.
I just feel like my eyes are not quick enough and my brain is slow to follow too. I don't know when this supposed "light" everyone keeps mentioning will go on for me or if it ever will! I don't have a job lined up so I can't really think about quitting but I'm going thru such an emotional rollercoaster I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm dreading work already and it's only 6:30pm on Sunday. This cannot be a normal feeling. I wonder if the other guys feel this way. Somehow I think its only me. This really sucks. Is it worth it??
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